Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
