I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
