I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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