Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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