I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
