I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
