Will you blow on my dice?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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