what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
