i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
