I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i now understand why vodka
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
