I'm lost and stupid without you.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
