He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
