the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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