last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize