just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
