sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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