I wish I could punch you in the face.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
