He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
