Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
