You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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