rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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