you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
