Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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