after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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