i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
