You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Pants are for mortals
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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