it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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