So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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