The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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