Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize