I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
