I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
