Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
