The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
