you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
