Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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