then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
