i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
