You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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