WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
