I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
