Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
