1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
