Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
