my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
