"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
