I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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