yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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