You work out of a Hotel?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
