is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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