your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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