i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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