I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
