Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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