I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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