matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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