I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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