Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
