Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
