the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
