She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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