does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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