I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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