Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
